I have never really felt like I fit into al anon completely.
Could be from my experience at my first meeting. After about a year of going to NA meetings with my partner - people started suggesting maybe I should go to al anon. The purpose of al anon is to help families and friends of alcoholics recover from the effects of living with someone whose drinking is a problem.
That was my first problem, my partner wasn't an alcoholic... he was a heroin addict. Look for the similarities not the differences! I went along anyway - had a day off work, why not? I hate telling this story because it does make al anon seem so horrible, which is not the case at all.
In my first meeting, I was told that there are meetings for people like me, because my husband wasn't an alcoholic, I didn't belong. So you know what? I listened to them, and didn't go back for about 6 months.
I always thought, the problem with my husband and I was his drug use. Once that stops, we will be perfect. Heroin was our problem. But I failed to see how much his drug use had affected us in so many ways. It affected us so much to the point that we have no idea who we are. Heroin was his priority, I wasn't. But because he 'needed' me, I was happy to provide, so long as he was the way I wanted him. I tried to control everything. My purpose in life was to fix this man that I love. I gave up so many things, so that I could 'control' him. The most important thing I gave up, was me. It was nuts, I was nuts!
So when he got clean and started to get a life back, things should have been perfect. I no longer needed to come up with pathetic excuses as to why i can't hang out with the girls, or reasons why i don't want to go to the gym. I could do all the things I wanted to do, because I didn't need to look out for him anymore, right? WRONG WRONG WRONG!
Instead of feeling free, I felt imprisoned. Imprisoned by what? I don't know. It's like I have lost my purpose in life now. He doesn't need me anymore. He isn't the him I thought he would be when he stopped drugs. He isn't spending all his time wanting to be with me.
I feel like I am losing my mind... I am going to lots of al anon meetings, and I still find myself not being able to put anything into action. I have a sponsor and she is one of the most beautiful people I know, but I just can't seem to get the serenity and peace that the program offers.
I feel like he hates me, and is only with me because I provide stability. I know he loves me, but I can't help but feel like this... Why is my head so fkd?! I feel like he doesn't listen to me, and that he only hangs with me, because it's the 'right' thing to do, and that he'd rather be out fishing. I feel like I am forcing him to be with me.
I feel like I don't matter to him, and that he doesn't make an effort to show me he loves me or cares. I feel like being with me for him is an obligation.
I feel so resentful, I was there for him, and tried to be understanding through it all (7 years!) and now that I am in recovery, and struggling... he doesn't seem to be there.
Far out, can you tell I am struggling?
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