where to begin

I'm not really sure where to start...

The Beginning

We met when we were only kids... 16 year old kids, back in November, 2000. After a few months, we started dating. I was always attracted to him, he was kind of the bad boy with a heart... and he loved me, as soon as he laid eyes on me. Why I thought he was a bad boy? I don't even know, I barely knew him... he kind of just had this aura around him... mysterious and very likeable.

The Drugs

It was around August 2005, when he told me that he was dabbling in drugs. I was shocked, and seriously believed at the time 'it's just a phase'... we were only 20 years old. I was young and stupid, and had no idea what the next couple of years would do to me, to him, to us.

I remember that night so clearly... his phone rang... person A was calling, and he lied and told me it was someone else. That started our tiff for the night, i took off. Later that night, the real issue came out. He told me he was using drugs, just experimenting. I remember slapping him, and telling him to stop. yes, I SLAPPED HIM! why? I had no idea.

Anyway, I thought that was the worse of it. We decided, well he did, the best thing for us would be a break... The only thing that was on my mind was? A break? it's my 21st birthday in less than a month, and you want a break? In the end, we were on a break, without really being on a break. And within 3 months, we were back full swing into things.

The next couple of years... was very exhausting. So many times, I thought I had had enough and was ready to let it all go.

Between then and now...
From 2005 - 2008, he lived at his parents, friend's places, random places... and seeing all this instability in his life broke my heart. I thought, if he only had some stability he would be ok. So I made the decision, to rescue him from his misfortune. We moved out. 2 weeks later, he lost his job.

So to cut years of stories into a few sentences... during those years, he got a job, started an apprenticeship, lost the apprenticeship, stole massive amounts of money, got charged, got on methadone, used and abused drugs and so much more.

I thought he had stopped, well I don't know if I ever truly did believe that... but I wanted it, so if I believed hard enough... it would happen, right? wrong.

So pretty much from July 2008, when we moved out til June 2009, I thought he was good, just on methadone. Came home one night, and my heart dropped. It felt as if someone has just ripped into me... I found a syringe. So what do we do? We buy a house, and decide to get engaged. I thought it was a fantastic idea, why not? He will be busy enough and will have a reason to stop for good, now that we are 'committed' and it was only just a one off, right?

Between the engagement and getting married, I had a fabulous reason for him to stop... simple, if he didn't, I wouldn't marry him. It was also around this time, I found the wonderful fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous and forced him to go to meetings (and also went to every single one of them with him) against his will. We got married early 2011, and it was peachy, he wasn't using (I made myself believe it, he was just on methadone, we're married now!) and mid 2011, everything crashed. He had stolen thousands of dollars from his boss and all that jazz, so I repaid the stolen money, and he lost his job.

It took a few months, but he decided he need to check himself into rehab.

Recovery
He went to rehab and left after a month, he is now almost 8 months off heroin. He is doing so well, and I am so happy... it's all I wanted.

As soon as he stopped using, we'd be perfect... so why is it that even after all this time, I feel completely screwed? I am emotional, crazy, all over the shop. I properly began my al anon journey in around September 2011, and I am seriously losing it.

So, there you have it, a quick high level overview of the last 7 years of my life. I will go back (when I feel the need or urge) to start giving you more of the actual stories.

why am I doing this?
I am really struggling, I belong to the wonderful fellowship of Al Anon, yet I feel like I am alone. I just want a place where I can be me, with me, without judgement.