Fellowship

So I've been quite busy that's why I've neglected the blog.

I'm in Sydney at the moment and went to a meeting tonight, walked 2kms to the train station and was on a train headed to nowhere familiar for 45mins. As soon as I arrived at the meeting, I felt at peace.

I love fellowship, I love that I can go anywhere in the world and instantly be able to connect through a meeting. The lovely ladies at this meeting have me a mug with the serenity prayer in it too.

Definitely feeling the love and loving my fellowship.

Progress not perfection

I love that the wonderful program of al anon is about progress, not perfection.

Today I went back to my old controlling ways... in fact, it began last night. I don't understand how money seems to just fall right through my husbands fingers, he has never been good at managing it so I don't know why I think he should now, because he is clean. See, we're in a situation where i am the breadwinner and he studies full time. He gets about a small about of money to spend each fortnight, and always runs out in the first week or so. It isn't alot but it is purely his to spend, not needing to worry about groceries, bills or anything. So I start with the 'what did you spend it on?' blah blah and then telling him how he should be managing it...

Then today, I'm onto him about his assignments... He's had 2 weeks holidays and he starts school again tomorrow and only just started his assignment about 4 hours ago. I was fuming, watching him 'study' with the tv on!

Anyway, its crazy how I expect my husband to be completely capable and normal within 8 months of being clean. I often forget he is in early recovery and is doing the best he can, and that need to stop focusing on what he is or isn't doing and to put that focus back onto myself. I love that in al anon you can restart your day at anytime! I was aware of my behaviours and decide to stop it in it's tracks and start my day over.

Today I am grateful that my hubby and I are both in 12 step programs and we have a chance to better ourselves.

Fear

Today's meeting's topic was fear.

Before I came to al anon, I thought my only fear was of heights. Since coming to al anon, I'm learning that I have a lot of fears.

I fear failure...
As the eldest in the family... A lot of pressure was put onto me to be perfect, and a good example to my younger siblings... Throughout mu 27 years, I've always trying to be perfect and being the best in everything I did. It was all or nothing. If I couldn't be the best in it, I didn't want to do it.

I fear people not liking me...
I always thought I didn't care whether people liked me or not, I didn't care what they thought of me. I realise I convinced myself of this so that whatever they said or thought about me couldn't hurt me, because I didn't care right? I realise now, I was seeking approval from everyone. If I've did something and no one knew, it didn't count.

I fear the change...
In my husband's active addiction, I knew how things would be, no matter how bad it was. When he got clean it and got a life, things were seemingly out of control, out of my control. This scared me, and I was imprisoned by the fear of change, and I felt completely out of control.

I could keep going and going about my fears, but I'm not there yet :) so one day at a time!

I am grateful, so so grateful for the wonderful fellowship of al anon. Al anon has given me the chance to face my fears.

Fear - face everything and recover
Fear - false expectations appearing real

riddled with disease

I've just come to the realization that my family is riddled with disease. My dad suffers from all the isms and has no program, he is a serious control freak. My sister also suffers from the isms, is so impatient and everything has to be her way.

Just finished dinner with them, and they are driving me crazy. I don't know if it's me being emotional and all that, but I am really feeling their attitudes affect me tonight. I feel anxious and teary.

It amazes me that after a great day, the smallest thing can tick me off.

Acceptance prayer

God, acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place or thing or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in your world by mistake. Until I can accept my Al-Anonism, I can not stay sane; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitude.

Amen

a problem shared is a problem halved

Having so many supportive members around me sometimes makes me forget I have all these wonderful people outside of the fellowship.

I caught up with 2 old friends and it was fantastic. For years, my focus was on my problem... the addict in my life. It consumed me, to the point I couldn't be a friend to my friends. It's only through al anon, I can be a friend. I can listen, empathize with them and be there.

A problem shared is really a problem halved.

Today I was reminded not to take people for granted, and that even though I can get so consumed by my problems, I may not be the only one putting on a brave face.

I love that al anon is a program for those recovering from living with the disease of alcoholism, I love that it is a program for life and that I can pass it on, even to those who may not be affected by alcoholism.

The al anon promises

I found this online today, and wonder how it is possible that I haven't come across this earlier... It's something I certainly would love to have in my life, and believe me I am working for it.

I'm on my way now to my favourite meeting, my beautiful home group... I haven't been in 2 weeks to this particular meeting, so I am looking forward to it very much - and I'm bringing another member who i introduced to the program.

Just for today - life's amazing <3