I love that the wonderful program of al anon is about progress, not perfection.
Today I went back to my old controlling ways... in fact, it began last night. I don't understand how money seems to just fall right through my husbands fingers, he has never been good at managing it so I don't know why I think he should now, because he is clean. See, we're in a situation where i am the breadwinner and he studies full time. He gets about a small about of money to spend each fortnight, and always runs out in the first week or so. It isn't alot but it is purely his to spend, not needing to worry about groceries, bills or anything. So I start with the 'what did you spend it on?' blah blah and then telling him how he should be managing it...
Then today, I'm onto him about his assignments... He's had 2 weeks holidays and he starts school again tomorrow and only just started his assignment about 4 hours ago. I was fuming, watching him 'study' with the tv on!
Anyway, its crazy how I expect my husband to be completely capable and normal within 8 months of being clean. I often forget he is in early recovery and is doing the best he can, and that need to stop focusing on what he is or isn't doing and to put that focus back onto myself. I love that in al anon you can restart your day at anytime! I was aware of my behaviours and decide to stop it in it's tracks and start my day over.
Today I am grateful that my hubby and I are both in 12 step programs and we have a chance to better ourselves.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Fear
Today's meeting's topic was fear.
Before I came to al anon, I thought my only fear was of heights. Since coming to al anon, I'm learning that I have a lot of fears.
I fear failure...
As the eldest in the family... A lot of pressure was put onto me to be perfect, and a good example to my younger siblings... Throughout mu 27 years, I've always trying to be perfect and being the best in everything I did. It was all or nothing. If I couldn't be the best in it, I didn't want to do it.
I fear people not liking me...
I always thought I didn't care whether people liked me or not, I didn't care what they thought of me. I realise I convinced myself of this so that whatever they said or thought about me couldn't hurt me, because I didn't care right? I realise now, I was seeking approval from everyone. If I've did something and no one knew, it didn't count.
I fear the change...
In my husband's active addiction, I knew how things would be, no matter how bad it was. When he got clean it and got a life, things were seemingly out of control, out of my control. This scared me, and I was imprisoned by the fear of change, and I felt completely out of control.
I could keep going and going about my fears, but I'm not there yet :) so one day at a time!
I am grateful, so so grateful for the wonderful fellowship of al anon. Al anon has given me the chance to face my fears.
Fear - face everything and recover
Fear - false expectations appearing real
Before I came to al anon, I thought my only fear was of heights. Since coming to al anon, I'm learning that I have a lot of fears.
I fear failure...
As the eldest in the family... A lot of pressure was put onto me to be perfect, and a good example to my younger siblings... Throughout mu 27 years, I've always trying to be perfect and being the best in everything I did. It was all or nothing. If I couldn't be the best in it, I didn't want to do it.
I fear people not liking me...
I always thought I didn't care whether people liked me or not, I didn't care what they thought of me. I realise I convinced myself of this so that whatever they said or thought about me couldn't hurt me, because I didn't care right? I realise now, I was seeking approval from everyone. If I've did something and no one knew, it didn't count.
I fear the change...
In my husband's active addiction, I knew how things would be, no matter how bad it was. When he got clean it and got a life, things were seemingly out of control, out of my control. This scared me, and I was imprisoned by the fear of change, and I felt completely out of control.
I could keep going and going about my fears, but I'm not there yet :) so one day at a time!
I am grateful, so so grateful for the wonderful fellowship of al anon. Al anon has given me the chance to face my fears.
Fear - face everything and recover
Fear - false expectations appearing real
Monday, April 9, 2012
riddled with disease
I've just come to the realization that my family is riddled with disease. My dad suffers from all the isms and has no program, he is a serious control freak. My sister also suffers from the isms, is so impatient and everything has to be her way.
Just finished dinner with them, and they are driving me crazy. I don't know if it's me being emotional and all that, but I am really feeling their attitudes affect me tonight. I feel anxious and teary.
It amazes me that after a great day, the smallest thing can tick me off.
Just finished dinner with them, and they are driving me crazy. I don't know if it's me being emotional and all that, but I am really feeling their attitudes affect me tonight. I feel anxious and teary.
It amazes me that after a great day, the smallest thing can tick me off.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Acceptance prayer
God, acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place or thing or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in your world by mistake. Until I can accept my Al-Anonism, I can not stay sane; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitude.
Amen
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in your world by mistake. Until I can accept my Al-Anonism, I can not stay sane; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitude.
Amen
Friday, April 6, 2012
a problem shared is a problem halved
Having so many supportive members around me sometimes makes me forget I have all these wonderful people outside of the fellowship.
I caught up with 2 old friends and it was fantastic. For years, my focus was on my problem... the addict in my life. It consumed me, to the point I couldn't be a friend to my friends. It's only through al anon, I can be a friend. I can listen, empathize with them and be there.
A problem shared is really a problem halved.
Today I was reminded not to take people for granted, and that even though I can get so consumed by my problems, I may not be the only one putting on a brave face.
I love that al anon is a program for those recovering from living with the disease of alcoholism, I love that it is a program for life and that I can pass it on, even to those who may not be affected by alcoholism.
I caught up with 2 old friends and it was fantastic. For years, my focus was on my problem... the addict in my life. It consumed me, to the point I couldn't be a friend to my friends. It's only through al anon, I can be a friend. I can listen, empathize with them and be there.
A problem shared is really a problem halved.
Today I was reminded not to take people for granted, and that even though I can get so consumed by my problems, I may not be the only one putting on a brave face.
I love that al anon is a program for those recovering from living with the disease of alcoholism, I love that it is a program for life and that I can pass it on, even to those who may not be affected by alcoholism.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
The al anon promises
I found this online today, and wonder how it is possible that I haven't come across this earlier... It's something I certainly would love to have in my life, and believe me I am working for it.
I'm on my way now to my favourite meeting, my beautiful home group... I haven't been in 2 weeks to this particular meeting, so I am looking forward to it very much - and I'm bringing another member who i introduced to the program.
Just for today - life's amazing <3
I'm on my way now to my favourite meeting, my beautiful home group... I haven't been in 2 weeks to this particular meeting, so I am looking forward to it very much - and I'm bringing another member who i introduced to the program.
Just for today - life's amazing <3
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 2, what a beautiful and powerful step. That was the topic of the meeting tonight. I love that the steps are written in the past tense. They are done that way because they work. Numerous people like me have worked the steps and it works. I'd be pretty stupid to think it won't work for me, because I'm different?
I think today after all my fretting, praying, fretting and praying... is very step 2. Everything I was freaking out about was not even an issue. I prayed for acceptance, I said what I wanted without being mean... and then I projected! I ran on my self will and drove myself crazy. Made up all the crazy scenarios of what was going to happen. I prayed for calm and for me to be able to get my point across, without motives. I got home and all was calm.
I was privileged enough to ask to share my personal story tonight.
Thank you al anon and thank you HP for giving me some peace tonight.
I think today after all my fretting, praying, fretting and praying... is very step 2. Everything I was freaking out about was not even an issue. I prayed for acceptance, I said what I wanted without being mean... and then I projected! I ran on my self will and drove myself crazy. Made up all the crazy scenarios of what was going to happen. I prayed for calm and for me to be able to get my point across, without motives. I got home and all was calm.
I was privileged enough to ask to share my personal story tonight.
Thank you al anon and thank you HP for giving me some peace tonight.
Higher Power job?
My sponsor is always telling me to pray... after publishing my last post, and feeling very unloved... I opened up twitter and the first thing I saw?
Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Thank you Higher Power.
Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Thank you Higher Power.
I suffer from the disease of addiction-ism?
I have never really felt like I fit into al anon completely.
Could be from my experience at my first meeting. After about a year of going to NA meetings with my partner - people started suggesting maybe I should go to al anon. The purpose of al anon is to help families and friends of alcoholics recover from the effects of living with someone whose drinking is a problem.
That was my first problem, my partner wasn't an alcoholic... he was a heroin addict. Look for the similarities not the differences! I went along anyway - had a day off work, why not? I hate telling this story because it does make al anon seem so horrible, which is not the case at all.
In my first meeting, I was told that there are meetings for people like me, because my husband wasn't an alcoholic, I didn't belong. So you know what? I listened to them, and didn't go back for about 6 months.
I always thought, the problem with my husband and I was his drug use. Once that stops, we will be perfect. Heroin was our problem. But I failed to see how much his drug use had affected us in so many ways. It affected us so much to the point that we have no idea who we are. Heroin was his priority, I wasn't. But because he 'needed' me, I was happy to provide, so long as he was the way I wanted him. I tried to control everything. My purpose in life was to fix this man that I love. I gave up so many things, so that I could 'control' him. The most important thing I gave up, was me. It was nuts, I was nuts!
So when he got clean and started to get a life back, things should have been perfect. I no longer needed to come up with pathetic excuses as to why i can't hang out with the girls, or reasons why i don't want to go to the gym. I could do all the things I wanted to do, because I didn't need to look out for him anymore, right? WRONG WRONG WRONG!
Instead of feeling free, I felt imprisoned. Imprisoned by what? I don't know. It's like I have lost my purpose in life now. He doesn't need me anymore. He isn't the him I thought he would be when he stopped drugs. He isn't spending all his time wanting to be with me.
I feel like I am losing my mind... I am going to lots of al anon meetings, and I still find myself not being able to put anything into action. I have a sponsor and she is one of the most beautiful people I know, but I just can't seem to get the serenity and peace that the program offers.
I feel like he hates me, and is only with me because I provide stability. I know he loves me, but I can't help but feel like this... Why is my head so fkd?! I feel like he doesn't listen to me, and that he only hangs with me, because it's the 'right' thing to do, and that he'd rather be out fishing. I feel like I am forcing him to be with me.
I feel like I don't matter to him, and that he doesn't make an effort to show me he loves me or cares. I feel like being with me for him is an obligation.
I feel so resentful, I was there for him, and tried to be understanding through it all (7 years!) and now that I am in recovery, and struggling... he doesn't seem to be there.
Far out, can you tell I am struggling?
Could be from my experience at my first meeting. After about a year of going to NA meetings with my partner - people started suggesting maybe I should go to al anon. The purpose of al anon is to help families and friends of alcoholics recover from the effects of living with someone whose drinking is a problem.
That was my first problem, my partner wasn't an alcoholic... he was a heroin addict. Look for the similarities not the differences! I went along anyway - had a day off work, why not? I hate telling this story because it does make al anon seem so horrible, which is not the case at all.
In my first meeting, I was told that there are meetings for people like me, because my husband wasn't an alcoholic, I didn't belong. So you know what? I listened to them, and didn't go back for about 6 months.
I always thought, the problem with my husband and I was his drug use. Once that stops, we will be perfect. Heroin was our problem. But I failed to see how much his drug use had affected us in so many ways. It affected us so much to the point that we have no idea who we are. Heroin was his priority, I wasn't. But because he 'needed' me, I was happy to provide, so long as he was the way I wanted him. I tried to control everything. My purpose in life was to fix this man that I love. I gave up so many things, so that I could 'control' him. The most important thing I gave up, was me. It was nuts, I was nuts!
So when he got clean and started to get a life back, things should have been perfect. I no longer needed to come up with pathetic excuses as to why i can't hang out with the girls, or reasons why i don't want to go to the gym. I could do all the things I wanted to do, because I didn't need to look out for him anymore, right? WRONG WRONG WRONG!
Instead of feeling free, I felt imprisoned. Imprisoned by what? I don't know. It's like I have lost my purpose in life now. He doesn't need me anymore. He isn't the him I thought he would be when he stopped drugs. He isn't spending all his time wanting to be with me.
I feel like I am losing my mind... I am going to lots of al anon meetings, and I still find myself not being able to put anything into action. I have a sponsor and she is one of the most beautiful people I know, but I just can't seem to get the serenity and peace that the program offers.
I feel like he hates me, and is only with me because I provide stability. I know he loves me, but I can't help but feel like this... Why is my head so fkd?! I feel like he doesn't listen to me, and that he only hangs with me, because it's the 'right' thing to do, and that he'd rather be out fishing. I feel like I am forcing him to be with me.
I feel like I don't matter to him, and that he doesn't make an effort to show me he loves me or cares. I feel like being with me for him is an obligation.
I feel so resentful, I was there for him, and tried to be understanding through it all (7 years!) and now that I am in recovery, and struggling... he doesn't seem to be there.
Far out, can you tell I am struggling?
where to begin
I'm not really sure where to start...
The Beginning
We met when we were only kids... 16 year old kids, back in November, 2000. After a few months, we started dating. I was always attracted to him, he was kind of the bad boy with a heart... and he loved me, as soon as he laid eyes on me. Why I thought he was a bad boy? I don't even know, I barely knew him... he kind of just had this aura around him... mysterious and very likeable.
The Drugs
It was around August 2005, when he told me that he was dabbling in drugs. I was shocked, and seriously believed at the time 'it's just a phase'... we were only 20 years old. I was young and stupid, and had no idea what the next couple of years would do to me, to him, to us.
I remember that night so clearly... his phone rang... person A was calling, and he lied and told me it was someone else. That started our tiff for the night, i took off. Later that night, the real issue came out. He told me he was using drugs, just experimenting. I remember slapping him, and telling him to stop. yes, I SLAPPED HIM! why? I had no idea.
Anyway, I thought that was the worse of it. We decided, well he did, the best thing for us would be a break... The only thing that was on my mind was? A break? it's my 21st birthday in less than a month, and you want a break? In the end, we were on a break, without really being on a break. And within 3 months, we were back full swing into things.
The next couple of years... was very exhausting. So many times, I thought I had had enough and was ready to let it all go.
Between then and now...
From 2005 - 2008, he lived at his parents, friend's places, random places... and seeing all this instability in his life broke my heart. I thought, if he only had some stability he would be ok. So I made the decision, to rescue him from his misfortune. We moved out. 2 weeks later, he lost his job.
So to cut years of stories into a few sentences... during those years, he got a job, started an apprenticeship, lost the apprenticeship, stole massive amounts of money, got charged, got on methadone, used and abused drugs and so much more.
I thought he had stopped, well I don't know if I ever truly did believe that... but I wanted it, so if I believed hard enough... it would happen, right? wrong.
So pretty much from July 2008, when we moved out til June 2009, I thought he was good, just on methadone. Came home one night, and my heart dropped. It felt as if someone has just ripped into me... I found a syringe. So what do we do? We buy a house, and decide to get engaged. I thought it was a fantastic idea, why not? He will be busy enough and will have a reason to stop for good, now that we are 'committed' and it was only just a one off, right?
Between the engagement and getting married, I had a fabulous reason for him to stop... simple, if he didn't, I wouldn't marry him. It was also around this time, I found the wonderful fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous and forced him to go to meetings (and also went to every single one of them with him) against his will. We got married early 2011, and it was peachy, he wasn't using (I made myself believe it, he was just on methadone, we're married now!) and mid 2011, everything crashed. He had stolen thousands of dollars from his boss and all that jazz, so I repaid the stolen money, and he lost his job.
It took a few months, but he decided he need to check himself into rehab.
Recovery
He went to rehab and left after a month, he is now almost 8 months off heroin. He is doing so well, and I am so happy... it's all I wanted.
As soon as he stopped using, we'd be perfect... so why is it that even after all this time, I feel completely screwed? I am emotional, crazy, all over the shop. I properly began my al anon journey in around September 2011, and I am seriously losing it.
So, there you have it, a quick high level overview of the last 7 years of my life. I will go back (when I feel the need or urge) to start giving you more of the actual stories.
why am I doing this?
I am really struggling, I belong to the wonderful fellowship of Al Anon, yet I feel like I am alone. I just want a place where I can be me, with me, without judgement.
The Beginning
We met when we were only kids... 16 year old kids, back in November, 2000. After a few months, we started dating. I was always attracted to him, he was kind of the bad boy with a heart... and he loved me, as soon as he laid eyes on me. Why I thought he was a bad boy? I don't even know, I barely knew him... he kind of just had this aura around him... mysterious and very likeable.
The Drugs
It was around August 2005, when he told me that he was dabbling in drugs. I was shocked, and seriously believed at the time 'it's just a phase'... we were only 20 years old. I was young and stupid, and had no idea what the next couple of years would do to me, to him, to us.
I remember that night so clearly... his phone rang... person A was calling, and he lied and told me it was someone else. That started our tiff for the night, i took off. Later that night, the real issue came out. He told me he was using drugs, just experimenting. I remember slapping him, and telling him to stop. yes, I SLAPPED HIM! why? I had no idea.
Anyway, I thought that was the worse of it. We decided, well he did, the best thing for us would be a break... The only thing that was on my mind was? A break? it's my 21st birthday in less than a month, and you want a break? In the end, we were on a break, without really being on a break. And within 3 months, we were back full swing into things.
The next couple of years... was very exhausting. So many times, I thought I had had enough and was ready to let it all go.
Between then and now...
From 2005 - 2008, he lived at his parents, friend's places, random places... and seeing all this instability in his life broke my heart. I thought, if he only had some stability he would be ok. So I made the decision, to rescue him from his misfortune. We moved out. 2 weeks later, he lost his job.
So to cut years of stories into a few sentences... during those years, he got a job, started an apprenticeship, lost the apprenticeship, stole massive amounts of money, got charged, got on methadone, used and abused drugs and so much more.
I thought he had stopped, well I don't know if I ever truly did believe that... but I wanted it, so if I believed hard enough... it would happen, right? wrong.
So pretty much from July 2008, when we moved out til June 2009, I thought he was good, just on methadone. Came home one night, and my heart dropped. It felt as if someone has just ripped into me... I found a syringe. So what do we do? We buy a house, and decide to get engaged. I thought it was a fantastic idea, why not? He will be busy enough and will have a reason to stop for good, now that we are 'committed' and it was only just a one off, right?
Between the engagement and getting married, I had a fabulous reason for him to stop... simple, if he didn't, I wouldn't marry him. It was also around this time, I found the wonderful fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous and forced him to go to meetings (and also went to every single one of them with him) against his will. We got married early 2011, and it was peachy, he wasn't using (I made myself believe it, he was just on methadone, we're married now!) and mid 2011, everything crashed. He had stolen thousands of dollars from his boss and all that jazz, so I repaid the stolen money, and he lost his job.
It took a few months, but he decided he need to check himself into rehab.
Recovery
He went to rehab and left after a month, he is now almost 8 months off heroin. He is doing so well, and I am so happy... it's all I wanted.
As soon as he stopped using, we'd be perfect... so why is it that even after all this time, I feel completely screwed? I am emotional, crazy, all over the shop. I properly began my al anon journey in around September 2011, and I am seriously losing it.
So, there you have it, a quick high level overview of the last 7 years of my life. I will go back (when I feel the need or urge) to start giving you more of the actual stories.
why am I doing this?
I am really struggling, I belong to the wonderful fellowship of Al Anon, yet I feel like I am alone. I just want a place where I can be me, with me, without judgement.
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